As a couples therapist working in San Francisco, I frequently work with couples who are exploring open relationships. Because most of us grew up with monogamy as the only available model for romance relationships, exploring open/poly models can bring up feelings of anxiety and fear. Couples who want to explore opening up often strive to create a sense of safety by making a list of rules that both members are supposed to follow. Despite the good intentions involved, these rules often wreak havoc and open wounds rather than create the desired safety.
Here’s the deal: Rules get broken. Sometimes intentionally - we’ve all experienced the need to push a boundary just to find out what happens, to flex our autonomy, or to enjoy the simple naughtiness of breaking the rule. Sometimes unintentionally - we agree to the same set of words, but unknowingly define them quite differently from our partner. And sometimes we make a rule with the best intentions - like agreeing to a rule because it makes our partner feel safe, but the truth is we don’t actually like the rule.
A common rule couples create is a limit on how often each person can have a sexual encounter with someone else, such as:
We can only have sex with one other person in any given month.
The good intention of this rule is to make sure the relationship is prioritized, to safeguard a couple’s connection. Consider some ways this rule can quickly cause strife:
What if one person has a second date 29 days after the first? Is this now cheating because they technically broke the rule by not waiting a few more days?
Perhaps one person feels better with this rule in place, and the other agrees to it to create safety - then feels constrained by it, leading to feelings of resentment.
All of a sudden, the rule intended for security is leading to dissatisfaction and disconnection.
So if rules aren’t a great way to actually create safety in an open relationship, then what is?
I suggest that couples can create security by increasing their communication about needs and wants.
Instead of making a rule or limit, focus on direct communication about the time you want to share with your partner. Be verbal and vulnerable about your desire for contact.
Consider the following statements:
I love spending time with you - can we share a sexy date together on Friday night?
I’ve been missing you lately - could we spend a little more time together during the week?
When you return from work trips, I really value having you all to myself for the first few days.
When you talk about wanting the other person, needing their time and attention, you highlight desire - which is sexy! Now you’re talking about what you want: togetherness, quality time, intimate touch - which is so much sexier than a rule. These conversations respect difference and autonomy better than any one-size-fits-all rule. Talking about it also honors the need to make small adjustments when we feel that ache for greater contact with our partner.
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